The Axeman

There is a fine balance between enough cologne and too much of the stuff. And in this passenger's case, bathing in deodorant spray was just another part of his daily routine. 

Cutie and I were heading toward the North Bay, and our Daily City train had just stopped at the Oakland Coliseum station. The train was oddly full, and she and I were forced to squeeze ourselves in the very first row of forward-facing seats, the ones with little legroom due to the close proximity to those seats reserved for the handicapped.

Now, normally I would have preferred to stand in such a busy car, but at that moment I was sitting in the best seat on the entire train. I tell you, there was absolutely no place I’d rather be than squeezed in next to her. I was the luckiest guy alive.

I could go on, but I’m sure you want to hear the story.

Anyway, this twentysomething dude gets on at Coliseum, and decides to take the handicapped seat right next to us. As the train departs, the dude reaches into his pocket and takes out a can of spray-on Axe deodorant.

He shields his eyes and, without a care where he’s pointing the can’s nozzle, lets loose a cloud of the overpowering cologne. Right into our faces. The dude really lays it on thick: he practically used the entire can. I swear, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even see Cutie through the dense mist, which was a problem. If I was going to die, at least I’d like to gaze into her eyes as I did.

I mean, come on, buddy. A few sprays of the stuff would be fine. A little goes a long way. Have you even heard of the saying ‘less is more?’ Obviously not.

I tell you, the guy would have gone up like a human torch if he got anywhere near a lit match. Apparently he doesn’t know how flammable the stuff is.

As the cloud slowly clears, the guy takes a cursory sniff. He gets an annoyed look on his face. He uncaps the Axe once again. He points it at himself, and proceeds to empty the can.

Apparently half a can of Axe is not enough to make his point. No, The Axe Man must use the entire can.

But of course, this is all in a day’s work for him. 

The Axe Man: Depleting the Ozone, One Can at a Time.